Complicated: Chasing a Dream

Being a musician is hard.

Not just in the ways you expect - the hours of practice (and in my case, composition), the struggle to understand the nuances of music, the battles against stereotypes. Nope, it's hard in one other way: a lot of the time, you have to force yourself to keep going.

This has a myriad of causes, ranging from society's tendency to look down on "the starving musician" (a problem caused less by smaller skill sets and more by smaller salaries) to the lack of definition in the field. Some would argue that our lack of a cookie-cutter plan makes it easier for us - after all, we could theoretically go in any direction we'd like. I've never seen it that way; instead, it can feel like we have nowhere secure to go. More often than not, I find myself asking, "How am I going to make this work in the real world?" And the scary part? I don't have an answer yet.

Many musicians work on a paycheck-to-paycheck basis. Performance artists get gigs and teach private lessons or clinic groups, and if they're lucky they earn a spot in a symphony orchestra or some other full-time professional group. Music educators, while often subject to the ebb and flow of available positions and salaries provided by the government, seem to have the best shot at some sort of stable, persistent paycheck once they're credentialed and ready to go (but don't quote me on that, as I'm not a Music Ed major). Composers kind of get stuck in the middle of nowhere. Film and video game scoring usually ends up being a one-time deal (unless you get contracted to do any sequels, which does not always happen, by the way). There's a fairly stable market in marching band music, but you need the right credentials to get into that. And yeah, we always have freelancing, but that's a strenuous job that requires a ton of networking, substantial skill, and more than a little luck.

When I started college in August, there was a lot of comparing majors with my new friends. Some of them (okay, a whole bunch of them) hadn't figured out the answer to the "what do you want to do after college?" question. Several of them told me they were jealous that I knew what I wanted to do. The one thing I didn't tell them, those engineers and computer science majors, was that I was jealous of the fact that they would basically be able to walk right out of college after graduation and find a job, somewhere, in the field they'd been studying that would pay enough to make ends meet. Musicians don't have that luxury.

My music professors have been emphasizing that "there ARE jobs out there, you just have to find them," but one of the big problems is that we might have to work two or three of those jobs simultaneously to make everything fall into place. And yeah, working multiple jobs isn't the end of the world, but it makes me sad that there isn't even a default/backup/you-will-be-able-to-make-ends-meet job in the world of music composition. A lot of us go in without having a Plan B, despite warnings from pretty much everybody that we'll need one. If doctors and engineers and lawyers can pursue their educations without having to worry about a backup plan, why can't we? In a time when music is potentially more important and dynamic than ever, why is it so hard for those who make music their business to find something stable?

I've spent quite a bit of quality time lately talking to the adults in my life about this dilemma, and pretty much every time I've ended up in tears. For those of you who don't know, I'm not usually a crier. Sure, there are a lot of people pushing me to succeed and keep doing the whole follow-my-dreams thing, and I appreciate the support, but guys, it's hard! 25% of the time, I feel like I'm learning how to do great things, and 5% of the time I just decide I'm going to go places in the music industry, but that other 70%... Sometimes it's hopelessness, worry, "facing the facts;" sometimes it's just disbelief that out of all the careers I could have chosen, I decided to pursue one of the most unstable. Hopefully, if composition doesn't entirely work out, I'll end up with some sort of job in music, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Why am I ranting like this? Maybe because I'm tired of being told to "have a Plan B" or "marry a guy with a good job" (and yes, I've heard those more times than I can count). Maybe because I'm tired of how hard it is to break into an industry like music at a young age. Or maybe it's just because I'm tired of being scared, and I don't know where I'm going. Being a music major is like shooting in the dark - you don't know where your target is, and sometimes you don't know which target you should be aiming for.
Love you all,
Megan

Deck the Halls: My Favorite Time of Year

You guys, it's almost Christmas!

Where some of my friends are spending their winter break, it's already December 25, but I've got a few hours to go. While I wish I'd had time to rally my friends to go caroling (really, I wish enough of them had been around), I'm still looking forward to tomorrow. The last few days have been pretty low-key, but there's a pretty magical feeling that just comes with Christmastime.

I've been arranging Christmas carols and singing far more than I usually do (though that might just be because I'm at home). Didn't actually get to go caroling this year, but I'll hopefully pull some friends together for a jam session soon. (When my friends and I jam, interesting things happen.)

Although I'm excited about lights and songs and the holiday season in general, recent events have me focusing on family, friends, and the people I love. Because sure, there's the commercial side of the holidays, and there's the religious side, but at the end of the day it's time to spend with the people we love.

While I'm limited to my California friends and family this holiday season, I've definitely been thinking a lot about my friends in other places - Arizona, the cold snowy lands, and the East Coast. In the last year I've made countless friends, many of whom don't live in my time zone. I'm not going to mention anyone by name because some of you would hate that, but know that all of you have made a huge difference in my life and I'm proud to be your friend. I expect to be keeping up with some of these friends for years (maybe forever), and distance isn't going to stop me from staying in touch.

That said, thanks to the band friends, the mealtime friends, the neighbors, the core-classes friends, the honor-band friends, the role models, the family members, the teachers, the mentors, the non-biological siblings (as well as my biological sibling), and everyone in between. You've all made a difference to me and I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us.

Since I have a lot of friends who celebrate a variety of holidays, I'll close with Happy Holidays. :) Hope everyone is enjoying their time off!

Love you all,

Megan

Replay: Lessons Learned in my First Semester

The music's loud and I'm in good spirits. It must be the holiday season.

Looking back on my first semester in college, I learned a lot - not just about music or essay-writing, but about people and life in general. And I guess that's a big part of what the first year or so of college is about. It's been quite a wild ride, and now that I'm at the end of the semester, I'm getting a chance to reflect on the important things and the little things. I've been doing a lot of lists lately, but this one's going to be... interesting, so here's a few of those things:

1. If you don't remember what time the dining hall closes, you will not eat. (Took some of my friends awhile to figure that one out.)
2. If you're not from Texas (or the South), be prepared to have friends who say "y'all." If you are, be prepared to have friends who think that's a little bizarre.
3. You'll have friends who make different life choices than you do. Chances are, you had those in high school too, but in college it'll be less of a big deal. Just accept it and move on.
4. Sometimes, being social isn't the worst thing in the world. (Sometimes.)
5. Bursting into song in the middle of a conversation scares people, apparently.
6. Be prepared to sit with complete strangers when you're eating. Sometimes this is a decent way to make friends.
7. Keeping in touch with a group of friends who are roommates isn't quite as hard because you can almost always track down one of them.
8. Know that people don't answer their phones as often in college. Especially when you actually need their help with something.
9. Avoid parallel fifths and octaves in four-part voice writing.
10. Chances are, you're going to be exposed to some new music. Enjoy it while you can.
11. Doing laundry isn't so bad - unless the elevator is broken and it's on the top floor.
12. Going out late at night is really fun if you're not alone. (Going with three guys who could kick serious butt is also a plus.)
13. You'll see some really weird things, like... well... you might be better off not knowing.
14. Remember all those math and science people you made friends with? Well, their classes don't start until AFTER the sun comes up, and theirs also go later than yours, so be prepared to not see them outside of dinner.
15. Video games are great stress relief. So is watching someone else play them.
16. Staying out until 1 or 2 in the morning isn't the end of the world anymore. (But the walk home might be a little chilly.)
17. Eliminate extraneous words in your writing. Know how to analyze things.
18. Friends are a great source of information and insight... when they're not too lazy or busy to help you.
19. Netflix may be the best thing since sliced bread.
20. Hanging out with nerds is still really fun. Even if they think you're crazy.
21. Learn to let things go. Nobody's perfect; neither are you.
22. Know the difference between joking and actually trying to be offensive.
23. If there's one social butterfly in the group, you'll all meet plenty of new people.
24. Sometimes, people will double-book on you. Roll with it.
25. There is a big difference between networking and making friends. Make time for both.
26. It's okay to show your friends what you're good at.
27. Make sure you have enough time to get to your classes (and you know where they are).
28. People will get really excited about absolutely nothing.
29. Be brave.
30. Sometimes, it's okay to not say anything.
31. If you've got a baby grand piano in your dining hall, play it.
32. Having access to good gelato in your dining hall seven days a week can turn into a bad thing if you don't like the gym.
33. If you're doing what you love, expect others to be a little jealous.
34. Your friends have to study and won't always be available when you want them to be.
35. Being bad at something is okay if it means you get to spend time with your friends while they teach you to be good at it.
36. Music is still great stress relief. Make time for it.

I'm sure I'll think of more, so there MAY be a Part Two coming. Still, those are some pretty good points. Overall, it's been a great semester, I've found some fantastic friends, and I can't wait for next year!
Love you all,
Megan

Don't Cry For Me Argentina: Finals, Milestones, and Going Home

Okay, I'm justifying my lack of blogging for two reasons: 1) I've been fairly busy for the last week and a half, and 2) it's finals week.

Here's a list of all the stuff I've done since Thanksgiving (which was fantastic, by the way; hope all yours were too):

• Dealt with missing luggage at the airport (by myself)
• Played my last concert of the semester with Concert Band (it was awesome)
• Went to another concert
• Saw my dad over the weekend
• Saw Frozen with the aforementioned dad (the soundtrack is AWESOME and it's super cute)
• Went window shopping (but didn't get anything)
• Had an important birthday (though I suppose they're all important)
• Opened presents (external hard drive, Global Entry for airports, flip flops, and a new jacket - I'm nothing if not practical)
• Skyped the rest of my family
• Studied counterpoint (a lot)
• Did well on my theory final (I think/hope; grade pending)
• Had my composition and performance juries (and they both went well too)
• SLEPT IN on Tuesday, Wednesday, AND Thursday (and will probably do so again tomorrow)
• Turned in all but one of my finals (last one's due tomorrow)
• Had lots of serious conversations
• Spent quite a bit of time with my friends (and by quite a bit I mean several consecutive dinnertimes)
• Stressed about going home
• Cleaned my room (yes, Mom, I really did, and I'll bring photo evidence home with me)
• Lost most of my voice (inconveniently on the day of my sight singing final, but everything worked out) for almost a week, but it's finally almost back
• Played for the entire trumpet studio
• Cried (once)
• Saw Evita with the aforementioned dad (yes, we did a lot of watching things with singing in them)
• Wore Christmas earrings almost every day (I think I missed one)

That was a really long list. One of the things I didn't do over the last week and a half that I really wish I'd gotten to do was go to the You-Sing-It Messiah with my dad. They have it in San Jose on the first Monday of December every year, and we've gone together several times. I missed going, and my dad missed having me around to help him when he got lost. (Not entirely kidding.)

Oh yeah, and I hit one of those milestone birthdays, but I really don't feel any different. Just for the record. (But thanks to everyone who posted on my Facebook or texted/called/emailed me! I was smiling pretty much the whole day.)

And I've (almost) survived my first finals week in college! (We'll see, though - this last paper could very well kill me.)

Finally, I get to go home in a couple days, which I'm really excited about. I can't wait to see my high school friends again, and I have a feeling there miiiiight be a Christmas-caroling party in the works. (Instruments or voices? We'll have to see.) I'm off for quite some time, and I'll miss my guys here - a lot - but I'll probably keep bugging them in touch with them over the break anyway. I'm excited to spend Christmas at home for the first time in years and reconnect with some old buddies. Oh, and my awesome mother got me an LED Christmas tree that changes color and plugs into the USB drive of my laptop. So that's totally going to be in use year-round (because really, what college student has time to put away Christmas decorations?).

OH! And my band piece, Tour de Force, had its first birthday on the 11th. Weird thing to celebrate (especially since I had to explain it to some of my guyfriends here), but it was pretty cool to realize a project that big has been around for a year. If you haven't heard it yet, just click on the title, because in my completely unbiased opinion (wink wink), it's awesome. (And if you don't believe me, ask some of the kids in the wind ensemble that recorded it!)

Sorry this blog was so long. Hopefully over the break I'll have time to contribute more regularly so you won't have to read small novellas every time I post. Still, hope you found something in here you liked. Happy holidays!
Love you all,
Megan

Airplanes: Travel Woes (and tips)

Well, today was far more eventful than I really needed it to be. Woke up with my family at six AM in California, got Starbucks (best part of my day), drove an hour to the airport, checked my bag, and things went downhill from there.

Security had a REALLY short line - I got incredibly lucky on this trip - but as I'd just finished putting all my stuff into the scanner and was about to enter the full body scan, some of the TSA agents had to stop everyone because the genius in line behind me had just left his stuff on the table well before the conveyor belts so he could get through security before I did. Once the TSA figured out it was his, he had to come back through, push his stuff onto the conveyor, then go through the body scanner again (after I did). Moral of the story: make sure your stuff actually makes it to the scanner. Even if it means going to all the effort to move it yourself. (Have I mentioned I love the TSA?)

After that it was pretty smooth sailing until we were up in the air. One of my pet peeves in airplanes has always been when people get up and go to the bathroom right after the flight attendant points out that the seatbelt sign is still on and everyone should remain in their seats. Seriously, what else would you be getting up for? Unless you're a parent with a tiny child, I don't think there's really another good reason. That's the flight attendants telling you it's not okay to use the bathroom yet. There's frequently turbulence somewhere between 10,000 feet and cruising altitude, so just know the little bell is ONLY to tell you you're allowed to use your laptops.

Fast forward through the rest of the flight. (Props to the parents with the happy one-year-old.) We land in Arizona, I go down to baggage claim... And my bag isn't there. Wonderful. Proceed to baggage services, file a report... Then, seeing another flight arriving from the airport I left from, I decided to wait and see if it was going to magically appear. Lo and behold, someone found it, so an hour after I landed, I finally left the airport. For my first time dealing with lost bags, it went surprisingly well. My parents are a treasure trove of travel info, so calling them might have been the smartest thing I did all day. While I'm tired, a little frustrated, and definitely in need of finishing an essay, I'm back at college, my stuff's all here, and I'm about as insane as I was this time last week. And it's December! (Expect a rant on Christmas carols soon.)

Love you all,

Megan

The Lucky One: Thanksgiving 2013

So I figured I should do a Thanksgiving post - it seemed like a good idea, and I'd rather do that than study, so post it is. Here's the list of what I'm thankful for this year; I've tried to get everything, but if you feel forgotten, it's probably because I'm running on lots of stress and little sleep.

Family is always a good place to start, so I'm thankful for my family. My little brother, who is the best friend, confidant and partner in crime I'll ever have and with whom I can gossip for hours on end about nothing and everything. My mom and dad, who love me, challenge me, support me, occasionally tell me to get over myself, and want me to be successful in every way. My extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins - who make a pretty darn great support system.

I'm thankful for my band family. My trumpet studio, all of whom are scarily good but really nice. My friends from high school band - I'm still in touch with a lot of them, and they keep me grounded. My friends in the college bands - you guys are my present.

I'm thankful for my school family. Five guys have been my friends since day one, and though we don't always see eye to eye and they frequently think I'm pretty crazy (probably because I am), they're co-conspirators and brothers and they don't mind me tagging along when they play video games or forage for food late at night. The people on my floor are for the most part in that same realm of uncertainty that I'm living in right now, but together we still manage to make it through the day and laugh a little along the way.

I'm thankful for my composition family. Whether they're the people back home who helped me get to my feet or the people in college who are helping me grow my wings, they're really important to me, they bring joy into my life on a regular basis, and I definitely wouldn't be where I am today without them.

I'm thankful for the chance to go to college. Even though I have no idea where I'll actually be in four years or what I'll ultimately be studying/making a career out of, I'm glad I have the experience of living away from home and gradually transitioning from academia into "the real world."

I'm thankful for anyone who's ever believed in me - especially when I didn't believe in myself. Anyone who knows me knows that I doubt my own abilities from time to time, and a lot of you have been there for me when everything's seemed to be too much. Chances are, if someone tells me I can do it I'll have the courage to get back up and try again.

I'm thankful for music. That overarching element of culture that binds us all together. It doesn't matter what language you speak, if someone sings a melody to you, you'll probably be able to sing it back. It doesn't matter if you're tone-deaf or pitch-perfect, you can appreciate music for what it is without having to know everything about it. Music moves people in ways words and actions cannot. It is the language that bypasses the brain.

I'm thankful for new beginnings. Sure, endings are hard, even devastating, and recovering from them can be a long and arduous process. Still, when we make it through and realize there's a new opportunity awaiting us - whether it be a new job, a new relationship, a new friend, a new semester, or even just a new day - we are once again able to embrace possibility.

I'm thankful for jazz band. And I miss it. A lot. [Just thought I'd throw that out there.]

I'm thankful for Christmas carols and puppies and rainy days and family tournaments of Mario Kart and gigantic crossword puzzles and little moments of courage and Brian Balmages' music and good books and the piano in the dining hall at Barrett and Handel's Messiah (which I won't get to sing this year) and reasons to get dressed up and comfortable clothes and Castle and friends who think I'm beautiful with no makeup on and my two best friends and Sharks games and snail mail and musicals and late-night expeditions to Devils' Diner and the flugelhorn and birthdays and Batkid and good intonation and valve oil and TSA Pre-Check and songs that make me happy and cookies and sunsets and the moments where everything is right in the world.

That's a pretty long list! But there's one more, and it's time to be brave:

I'm thankful for the guy who's captured my attention. I can talk to him for a long time without either of us getting bored, he understands and accepts my musicality, and he's sweet and smart and amazing and that's all the details anyone's getting. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Love you all,
Megan

Sound of Madness: Emotion and the Compositional Process

I know, I know, when I get busy I stop blogging. I'm sorry.

The last couple weeks have been one really long roller coaster - a couple good days, a couple bad days, lather, rinse, repeat. While we're currently in the middle of a batch of good days that's lasted since Thursday, there are good and bad moments within each day, too. This has all made for some very confused composing - while I'll be the first to admit I'm at my best when I'm emotional, I also tend to get distracted. It's easiest for me to start with a blank score and go where the music leads me - if I try to continue work on a project I've already started, it's really easy to get sidetracked and completely change the colors at work in the piece. I had to scrap entire passages of music last week because my pieces were just sounding bipolar. Seriously - 24 bars of serene, nighttime music, 12 bars of agitated, 20 bars of so happy it's almost hyper... I'm saving the bits and pieces, but it got so bad it was almost comical.

Socially, things are good between my friends and I, and although guys continue to be really confusing, right now I'm not going to complain because I have some of the most awesome people by my side. Academically, things are fine, if a bit hectic (and finally starting to be stressful). Musically, aside from the mood-swing composing, life's good.

When I've been able to hold my mood down as I'm composing, I've gotten some pretty golden stuff. (Okay, maybe not golden, but at least bronze.) Pieces of mine have just exploded into works of art, and I think I finished one today. [By finished, I mean there's a beginning, middle and end, not that it's ready for anyone to play.] That particular piece is something I started on a whim and kept writing because I knew I had something. It's not super long or super complicated, and it's only been part of my life for a couple months, but I'm already as attached to it as I am to Tour de Force or Seven for Brendan or anything else I've written through to the end. I never look forward to finishing a piece and calling it really done - while everything I write stays with me forever, it stops being part of my daily life, my daily routine. I conducted Tour the other day and realized how much I missed it. There's almost (but not quite) a mourning process that happens when you send a piece out into the world. It's halfway between a funeral and sending your kid off to her first day of kindergarten.

Does that make sense? It might not, but if it does, at least I make sense to one of us.

Love you all,

Megan

Play My Music: Hanging Out with the Musicians

So I was shocked to see I only blogged twice in October. I'll try to be a little more regular. You people who are trying to keep up with me deserve far more updates. (Btw, hearing about people reading this totally makes my day.)

Anyway, tonight started slow but got increasingly more fun, to my surprise. After dinner with the usual posse, I had some down time, but after a little inspiration, I decided I could try to compose around other people. Our floor is notoriously loud, but all seemed relatively calm, so I ventured out to find some other music kids. We talked and goofed around for a little while (and I found people who were willing to play my pieces), then we commandeered the lounge and haven't left yet. As I type, four people are going at it in Black Ops II, several more are watching, and I'm on my laptop. I did end up composing, and I actually ended up starting not one but two projects tonight.

I'm starting an adventure in choral/voice music - I've never written for voice before, though I have some experience singing other people's pieces. I figured I might as well jump straight into the fire, so it's four-part a cappella from the get-go. Counterpoint rules are suddenly REALLY important (contrapuntal guidelines were invented with the human voice in mind and as such are totally relevant), and I'm finding I have to go back and fix things even as I'm drafting. It's a slow process, and I have no idea how it'll turn out, but I'm having fun, and it'll be interesting to see how it goes.

The other project I started tonight wasn't something I was going out of my way to look for - I'm writing a piece for two specific musicians. (And they're going to play it for me at a composition concert! Hopefully.) It's a really fun journey; I love writing for trombone and writing for two of them is a blast, especially since the guys are really talented. I've already got about thirty seconds of music, and I'm satisfied with it (better yet, THEY like it). Ideally I'll finish it (or get most of the way there) by the time the semester's over. Inspiration for the piece was easy - they've been playing first-person shooters all night, so the song will be called One-Hit Kill. (Yes, I promise it's going to be awesome.)

Essentially, what wasn't supposed to be a major composition night turned into something spectacular - and I'm still in the company of some pretty awesome people. Yaaaay balance!
Love you all,
Megan

Rain: Some Days are Better than Others

I know, I know, these posts are getting farther and farther apart. I've suddenly had lots more school to deal with. Plus, things that used to be a huge deal (like being homesick) are suddenly less important. [Unfortunately, sleep is also becoming one of those things.] I've had a relatively rough couple of weeks on the emotional front - homesickness has resulted in a couple sleepless nights, and I've figured out that I really need something to do as an activity (for once, band doesn't count). The friend transition from high school to college has become a little more evident - schedules don't match up, and as I've gotten busier I've also found that the mental reminders to text so-and-so haven't been as reliable. I've kept pretty much the same relationships with a lot of my close friends from high school, though, and that's good. Even the ones who are going to school on the other side of the country (and I think the joy of actually getting snail mail has been helping me write letters on a regular basis). I made more friends here, too, and found allies in unlikely places.

Now that I've tricked everyone into thinking this post is going to be about the trials and tribulations of college life, I'll get into what I actually meant to talk about here. I've had several really good conversations with some friends here over the past week - two of which were COMPLETELY unexpected - and they made me think about who I am and what I'm looking for. I love it when my friends make me think about things beyond when we're going to dinner.

Yesterday in particular was great. Classes were fun, I got great feedback on an English essay (turns out, you just need the right person to read it), I figured out what I'm REALLY arguing in my Human Event paper, I had fun seeing my trumpet section for the first time in a week, and I had one of those unexpectedly insightful conversations with a friend. Oh, and the new Pentatonix album came out yesterday, so I was rocking out to that all day.

The best part of the past week is that it's rained not once but three times. In Arizona! I definitely went and walked around in the rain without a hood just because I knew I wouldn't get to very often. (That's one thing I really miss about California - you can have rain without thunderstorms.) Anyway... that explains the song I chose. [It's by Creed and I absolutely adore it.]
I hope everything's good where you people are. Keep smiling!
Love you all,
Megan

Still Your Song: Musical Moments

I really need to get back into blogging regularly. I promise I'm not trying to ignore all you wonderful people who actually read this (and I'm learning that there's actually a substantial number of you out there); things just keep getting in the way.

I had my first concert on the 8th. Despite some last-minute setbacks, it went REALLY well (everyone was in tune and everything), and I'm really proud of the performance as a whole. It's taken me awhile to get used to being in a section full of people I don't know very well, but it's starting to feel like family. We got new music for our concert in December, and it appears I'll be taking another trip down memory lane - we're doing Holst 1. We played it my junior year in high school, and while I'm glad to be playing the piece again, I remember why I hate the Trumpet 1 part so much. (For you musically inclined folks, it goes from a G below the treble staff to a C above in five or six bars at the end of Mvmt. 1.) We're playing some pretty awesome stuff, and I'm really excited (though I'm going to have to practice more just so I can get my endurance up).

I started looking at pieces for my first trumpet jury last week. Thankfully, my trumpet teacher is awesome and found pieces that actually sound interesting to play, and I'll have plenty of time to prepare, but... it's a lot of work. And I need an accompanist, which will be a whole other level of interesting. (I know there's a process to get one, I just haven't looked into what that is yet.)

Outside of the trumpet-playing world, I've started writing a string quartet for an assignment in composition class. Strings are a whole new set of crazy, and while I think I'm doing pretty well, it's hard for me to know for sure. I'd love to just write for winds, percussion and keyboard instruments for the rest of forever (oh, and voice too), but I want to score films, and... let's face it, you can't do scores without strings. I also made the breakthrough I needed in my wind ensemble/concert band piece. It had been sitting dormant for about two months, but last night the composition gods were with me and I actually wrote through the climax (which doesn't usually happen in one sitting for me). I'm having fun with brass chords, and the piece is coming along nicely. I'll keep everyone updated on when it's done, but I'll tell you now that it's a ballad called Hymn for a Last Chance.

It's been a really musical time. If all the stuff I just mentioned wasn't enough, I had fun with a couple friends on Friday night. They both play guitar, and they taught me a few chords, and they each played for awhile, too. (I now know E-, CMaj, GMaj, and DMaj - I can play most of pop music!) Anyway, it was a really amazing night of singing and playing. And it was just for fun, which is one of the best things about music - it can be competitive, or it can be relaxing and even therapeutic.

All this excitement has prompted me to start returning to the world of songwriting (by this I'm referring to the kind of music you might hear on the radio). I'm debating whether or not I'll ever post the lyrics I write, or if anyone will ever hear them, but we'll just have to see where the music takes me. It's going to be an interesting time, that's for sure, and I can't wait to get started.
Love you all,
Megan

Ordinary Day: The Amazing Little Things

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I last posted anything. To be fair, I've been fairly busy keeping up with schoolwork for the past couple of weeks. (Yay, essays!) But honestly, everything's been pretty routine here. This past week was a gigantic roller coaster, but it ended on a high note, so I'm not complaining.

Now that I'm thinking about all the things I've done since last Wednesday, there WERE some things that made the last week and a half pretty awesome (or at least extraordinary). Here's a few of those:

• Gushed to a friend about a guy. Haven't done that in awhile.
• Got letters from three awesome people. (This happens fairly regularly, but not usually all in the same week.)
• Saw my parents! (Yes, Mom, Dad, I still remember you were here last weekend.)
• Went to my first Sun Devil football game (with the aforementioned parentals). And we won! The Sharks fan in me loved the "Beat LA" hashtag that dominated Twitter (we were playing USC).
• Watched several Snapchat wars between my best friends. I don't think that'll ever get old.
• Watched Breaking Bad for the first time with the aforementioned best friends. (Yep, it's really ironic - first episode I watched was the series finale. Don't judge.)
• Got a hug from someone (other than my parents). I have no idea why, but hugs are a lot rarer in college than they were in high school.
• Threw together a short piece for flute and piano. (And by short, I really do mean 1'19".)
• Had a really cool dream. No, I'm not sharing. (Not in this post, anyway.)
• Discovered new music.
• Got paid for a gig I played over the summer.
• Watched the season premiere of Revenge. Heck yes.
• Went to a composition concert and heard my friends' pieces performed.
• Stayed up until 1:30 playing video games with the guys. (Don't get the wrong idea, I suck at CoD - the four kills I got were definitely an accomplishment - but hanging out for seven hours was pretty fun.)

So, yeah, the last week and a half has actually been pretty good, even though it didn't always feel like it. And the best two things about next week are that I have my first concert here at ASU and I get to go home to my family and friends for the weekend. :) I'm definitely really really excited about that, especially since I get to see my brother. Eight weeks is a long time to be away from home, and I'm excited to be heading back (especially since I get to see the new marching band uniforms in action). I'll have my fun for a long weekend (and eat LOTS of Mexican food), then I'll happily return to college and all the amazing people here.
Love you all,
Megan

Breakaway: Understanding, Acceptance, and Euphoria

Today was definitely a roller coaster ride, but it ended on a high note, so I can't complain.

I ended up staying at the music building from about 7:30AM to 1PM, and by that time I knew I a) needed a nap, and b) didn't have time to take one. I had a couple hours to myself back at my dorm, then I had to head back for my 3:00 class (composition, so at least the trip was well worth it). By the time I settled back into my room to do homework, I was pretty mentally exhausted, and I ended up not getting to eat dinner with my friends, which was a bummer....

And then, somehow, my day got a million times better.

I've been trying not to scare my new friends too much - keeping all my musicality in check is a little difficult at times, but I try to act (mostly) normal around my non-music friends. Lately, though, I've been opening up, and tonight a really good friend of mine heard my full band piece for the first time. [Thankfully I wasn't there; otherwise I'd probably be commenting and nitpicking through the entire thing.] After six weeks' worth of an internal struggle revolving around my friends not entirely understanding who I am in a musical sense, it was amazing to get positive feedback (that's composer-speak for he liked it).

That's one of the best things about my friends here - they're really supportive, and they don't tell me I can't do something. I've always been a little nervous about going all-out band geek on people I met outside the music world, especially when a lot of the population doesn't realize what hard work composition can entail, but when I take the risk, the complete and utter acceptance only reminds me that I have the best friends in the world. I'm honestly not sure if that friend will ever read this, but even if he doesn't, hopefully he realizes how much his approval means to me both as a composer and as a girl who's done hiding. :)
Love you all,
Megan

PS: The song I picked for this entry probably didn't make much sense at first, but now that you've read the whole thing, just think about the lyrics of the chorus: "I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky. Gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change... and breakaway."

You Found Me: The Best Things About Friends

Well, the sun is shining, the grass is green... and I realize I haven't blogged in awhile. (Props to those of you who read up to the ellipse and thought I was going to break out into "White Christmas." Maybe in a month or so.) Life here has been pretty ordinary - there are good days, there are not-so-good days, and for some of my friends, there are oh-crap-an-essay's-due-tomorrow days. Thankfully, I've stayed on top of my work thus far, so I've had time to focus on the one thing I probably do waaaay too often - thinking.

What am I thinking about, you ask? Well, depends on the situation. Occasionally I'll agonize over some minor musical dilemma (there was a situation at dinner the other day where I had to ask a friend if I should write a triplet stems-up or stems-down), but usually my train of thought revolves around the people in my life - my peers and friends. And like everything else in life, there are good and not-so-good days with my friends, too. Sometimes everything's perfect and we have a good time; in other circumstances, we won't see eye to eye on something or we just won't feel like talking to each other.

Those of you that know me well know that I overanalyze EVERYTHING, so to keep myself from going utterly insane every time something doesn't go my way, I've really been trying to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. I recently said something to a good friend from California that I've since put on my bulletin board: "No worthwhile friendship is a waste of time." And for me, that's the truth. Sure, it's rare for me to think any interaction with a friend is a waste, but just in case it does, I've now got my little reminder.

Because really, even when things don't go exactly as planned, most days with my friends are good days. We laugh more than I ever could have expected, and they've already made themselves at home in my heart. Even when I'm only hanging out with one of them, I learn a lot and open up a little more. It's great. We've only known each other for a month, but I already couldn't imagine life without them.
Love you all,
Megan

Something to Believe In: Snapshots of the Perfect Moments

"You wake up every morning looking for your answer..." The beginning of Something to Believe In by Parachute is a fairly accurate description of the beginnings of my days. I look for reasons to smile, to wonder, to laugh, and to learn, and despite all the metaphorical cloudy days, almost every day there's something to be happy about. Interactions with my friends, peers and teachers make the tough stuff worthwhile when I am presented with myriad reasons to love what I do and where I am. Below I've included several literary snapshots of instances when I've felt completely and utterly content. Read on if you wish, and see the world how I see it for the briefest of moments. (And if you can find a mention of yourself in here, college friends, know that you've made me very, very happy, though you'll see no names in these anecdotes.)

Some days we eat in silence, each person consumed by thought while plowing through the piles of food that sit before him. Words are few and far between, aside from greetings and goodbyes. It is a time solely to be together - no words are necessary, just the presence of the others. We stare off into space, or we look around at each other, shooting someone an occasional smile but otherwise focusing on what we hear and feel - the sounds of eating and breathing, the feeling of family that keeps us in our little bubble, no matter how close others may be sitting.

Some days we eat amidst a cacophony of our own laughter, talking vivaciously and discussing the most random of topics. Inside jokes are often born on nights like these, and both complete reason and utter nonsense are thrown around like baseballs (or Frisbees, as the case may be). Within the madness there is structure and grace - complete order in the midst of chaos, for we alone understand our interactions. When even we are confused, it is only cause for more laughter. Nights like these are almost surreal - look into the knowing eyes of the one you're conversing with and it can seem like all else is irrelevant.

Some days we laugh until breathing becomes a chore, exchanging bad puns and trying to best each other at wordplay. While it can seem as though we become distracted, we usually have some connection between the games and the task at hand. We reassure each other and aid in the development of strengths. We smile and discuss, not always seeing eye to eye but always agreeing on mastery and beauty. We appreciate the simple as well as the complex and are slow to dismiss. We see everyone shine, and we cherish them for their luminance.

Some days we argue over diction, syntax and "deeper meaning." We discuss things like purpose and intent, and we wonder many things. Despite our knowledge, some details and answers still evade us, but as long as we remain in pursuit, we enjoy every minute of the chase.

Some days we exchange sleepy hellos in the stairwells or across the hallways. We straggle into class, eager to see what lies ahead yet unwilling to think about it at such an early hour. We wonder and question the past, present and future of our craft unintentionally, yet the simple discoveries we make can also be the most eye-opening.

Some days we celebrate. Whether it be a birthday or an upcoming achievement or a promise to come to a concert, we support each other irrevocably. We comfort and promise, if not forever, then for a long time to come. We inspire each other and renew hope and belief in all that is good in the world. We appreciate each other's strengths and help overcome weaknesses.

Some days we burn off steam. We lunge and throw and catch and run, all in the name of a white plastic disc. We learn new things, we see different sides of each other, we prove our prowess or lack thereof. We encourage and coax until new, wonderful things come to life. It is a time for thinking less and experiencing more.

Some days we help each other. Challenges are presented that require thinking, analysis and eventual comprehension. New questions are asked each day, and new answers are discovered each time a question is presented. Processes are established and tested, then verified or changed and tested again. Through it all, patience prevails; that which must be done is better when not done alone.

Some days we communicate when we can't meet up. Texts are exchanged, the occasional smiley makes an appearance, and discussions can last as little as five minutes or as long as three hours. Not much is said, to be honest, but what IS said has value - when we take the time to listen and reply despite distance and other commitments, everything in the friendship becomes stronger.

Some days we go on impromptu field trips. No matter the hour, "let's go" is often the only phrase necessary to begin such an adventure. Trifles like shoes can be optional, and the memories made on late-night excursions can be among the most vivid. Despite the darkness, light makes itself known in the destinations of our choice and the spirit of our hearts. New things are tried, and silliness abounds, but at the end of it all we come home safely and revel in our experiences.

Hopefully this look into the little moments in life reminded you, as it did me, that not all days are cloudy, metaphorically or literally. The greatest of things can come from the smallest of instances, and I look forward to all which is still to come.
Love you all,
Megan

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been: Priorities, Friends, and Figuring It All Out

It's been a bizarre week.

There have been plenty of ups and downs; I've struggled to come to terms with some of the new realities of my life. The first and most important of those seems to be the fact that unlike many of the other students here, I can't just go home whenever I feel like it. A lot of people here are from the area, and in half an hour or forty minutes they can get from here to their houses. It would take me forty minutes to an hour just to get to the airport. More than before, I find myself missing home, wanting to be a big part of my friends' lives like I have been in the past. I'm not sure I'm dealing with that as well as I should be - I have some friends here, but not a ton, and more and more I find myself reaching out to the people I love at home only to find that they're busy with homework or the equivalent. I look at friendship bracelets and pictures and wonder if things will ever be the same again. When a lot of my older friends went off to college, I just stopped seeing them (even the ones that stayed in the immediate area). I want to still be a part of my friends' lives, but when you're 713-715 miles from the people you love most, you can't just show up to their football games (even if I had a car, I have a feeling Google Maps' estimate that it would take me 10 hours and 15 minutes to get there is more than slightly optimistic).

As with any new beginning, I'm finding that making friends isn't the easiest task in the world, and while I have a handful of good friends, more often than not I find myself alone in my dorm. Unlike a lot of the people I know, I'm not in college to party, nor am I even remotely interested in that kind of thing. My priorities lie in getting my degree, (hopefully) getting a job, and starting a career. I'm always putting my schoolwork first, and a lot of the time I just think that I'm the only one who does that. As much as I'd like to have really awesome friends like the ones I made in high school, right now I just have to focus on getting my work done and figuring out if music is really what I want to do with my life.

Me, having second thoughts? Really? Honestly, yes. After a few weeks of thinking about it, I'm more scared about making a career out of music than I've ever been in my life. Maybe too many people have told me I can't do it. Maybe I feel like I need to be doing something else, anything else - something that could guarantee me a steady stream of income. Maybe now that I have so much freedom in life, I realize that there are so many options I haven't even thought about. Maybe I've been so well taught by my high school English teachers to question everything that I'm now questioning my own decisions. [Actually, I know I'm doing that.] But at the same time, all the other things I'm interested in - writing, teaching - would come with their own set of restrictions and uncertainties. No matter what caused this mini-crisis, for whatever reason I find myself questioning my own abilities and wondering if I'm really up to the challenge - the lifestyle - that a career in music involves.

I always find myself envious of the people who can just get their bachelor's and go straight into a career - somehow, I have the sneaking suspicion my path will never be that easy. I guess it's true what everyone says about college - when it's time to make the choice of what you want to do for the rest of your life, you realize pretty quickly that you have absolutely no idea. Where do I go from here?
Love you all,
Megan

Under Pressure: Downfalls and Triumphs

It's been a fascinating week.

After an exceedingly bad ensemble placement audition and an exceedingly good chair placement audition, I found myself at a musical impasse - I wasn't exactly proud of myself, but I wasn't completely disappointed, either. As always in the music world, the next opportunity to make myself proud (and prove my worth to any and all skeptics in the studio) came earlier today. Every week, the brass studio gets together and sight reads music. Sight reading is something I've always enjoyed, since I'm relatively good at it and I like the challenge, and today was no exception. I got a little nervous when the conductor looked at me and said, "Whoever's playing first trumpet... It's important." [That's band director language for don't screw it up.] I looked at the piece, and sure enough, it was high and technical, but after a short, silent pep talk, I took a deep breath and calmed down. The sight reading went fantastic, and even though the part turned out to be a little more exposed than I'd expected, it went really well and I even got a "nice job!" from my trumpet professor. Mission accomplished!

Anyway, I'm usually pretty good in unfamiliar situations - I understand the whole "grace under pressure" thing. However, in the last couple of weeks I've uncovered my downfall: Frisbee. [Really not kidding.] To put it bluntly, I'm not good at it, and whenever I threw the thing it would either go wildly astray or end up short of the person I was passing to. My friends here like the game, so I usually just stand with them and watch as they try new things (and always seem to make it to the person they're aiming for). Last night, it ended up being just me and two of the guys, and somehow I ended up throwing pretty often. [I'm not sure if they planned that or if it just happened organically.] The first few (okay, the first ton) were complete crap, but toward the end I got more confident and actually started throwing catchable passes. Shoutout to those two guys - they know who they are - who were patient the entire time.

Besides auditions (which I think I'm FINALLY finished with) and just-for-fun stuff, life's pretty normal. I'm loving everything here, and now I know I have the support I need to be my best.
Love you all,
Megan

She: Just Enough of a Girl that I'm Not One of the Guys

I don't know if any of the other ladies out there feel like they get jolted back to the reality of their gender from time to time, but if you do, you're definitely not alone.

A series of events in the past several days has managed to emphasize to me how much of an awkward position I'm in as a girl who primarily hangs out with guys. Trumpet studios pretty much anywhere in the country are going to be fairly male-dominant (and in some cases, that's putting it mildly); composition studios, while increasingly female-inclusive, still count as part of a man's world... And while I love my friends dearly, they (the new ones AND the old ones) occasionally need to step back and decide to treat me one way or the other.

It apparently doesn't matter if I'm in Tempe or San Jose - from time to time I hear things from my guyfriends (usually involving the word "no" or "whatever") that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be told if I too were male. Some of these things are merely said to keep everyone comfortable, and I can respect that; however, some seem to have no relevance other than emphasizing how utterly female I am.

This tends to pose a problem when I'm trying to hang out with people. To most of my friends, I can usually pass as "one of the guys" - unless I can't. And while I understand and respect their need for "guy time" that's really just with the guys, this neither-fish-nor-fowl status makes for an unclear, if not downright impossible, definition of friendship.

That's all great, but where's the relevance? Let's put it this way - when you get snubbed by two different friends in one night, you start thinking about the kind of friendship you're in. Guys who are friends of mine, don't give up, and don't let this bring you down - just treat me like ME, not as "that one girl" or "one of the guys."

Love you all,

Megan

I Don't Wanna Be: Orientation, Concerts, and Starting School

Hey, everybody!

Sorry I haven't found time to write - I've been a little busy during the past few days. Orientation has been a really frantic time, with everyone here rushing from one thing to another. I've had billions of fliers thrust in my general direction (though after my Europe vacation, I'm automatically wary of anything anybody tries to put in my hands). As I write this, I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to at least two types of music (country and dubstep - they don't mix well) drifting through my open door. People are talking, I'm taking a break from practicing, and soon I'll have dinner with some new friends. (As I'd expected, all the close friends I've made so far are guys.)

Orientation... As annoying as some of the activities were, there were a few I really enjoyed. My favorite by far was the Andy Grammer/Gavin DeGraw concert I got to go to for free, and Passport to ASU (where all the clubs and intramural teams recruit) was really cool too. I'm thinking about auditioning for an a cappella group, though I'm a little worried about what the three hours a week of rehearsal will do to my academic schedule. Auditions aren't until Monday night, so I have a feeling my mind will be made up Monday afternoon. I have two auditions tomorrow (ensemble placement and piano), so I'm a little jittery, but after all the auditions I've already been through, I'm not sure they actually make me nervous anymore.

As first days of school go, today was pretty nice. I only had two classes. Sure, one starts at 7:55, but that's better than the 7:20 start time I had last year. I'm really excited for what the year will bring - my theory teacher is AWESOME and my honors English teacher seems really down to earth.

Kids at ST will be interested to know that as part of our floor bonding activities, our CA's (our floor leaders - they're upperclassmen) started a game of Assassin. (No weird weapons, just tap them on the shoulder, but the premise is the same.) I find myself remembering the days when that game was still thriving at ST when someone pops out into our hall, taps someone, and proclaims, "You're dead!" Ahhh, the memories.

My floor is really cool - overall I really like the people. [When my door's open like this, no one actually comes to talk to me, but hey, you win some, you lose some.] My close friends are engineering majors (mechanical for now), which will be spectacular when I start needing help with my two required science courses. In the meantime, I'm just focusing on building strong, lasting friendships and getting good grades. Yes, some of you will probably bug me about my social life, but I'm not concerned with partying or going out on the town - academics have to come first, and right now there are people in my life I'd rather Skype from six hundred miles away instead of going to a party full of strangers.

All in all, things are going pretty well. The homesickness is much better than it was a few days ago, and I thank all my friends and family who've been FaceTiming me for hours and sending me texts, emails and letters so I know what's going on.
Love you all,
Megan

Drops of Jupiter/If You Ever Come Back: Discovering or Rediscovering Yourself?

I'm safely in Tempe. Thanks to everybody who checked in with me along the way or wished me well. Now that I'm here, I'm desperate to get all of my crap out of the car (but move-in isn't until tomorrow morning), and I'm going into serious friend withdrawal. (This is a clue for all you friends of mine who're reading this to say hi sometime! I'd love to hear from you.) Yes, I've made a handful of friends here, but I haven't gotten to see any of them yet, and they'll never be able to replace all the amazing people I met in high school.

When we were driving around town tonight, Drops of Jupiter came on the radio. I'm a fan of Train, and that song in particular has a special place in my heart, though I've never exactly known why. Maybe it's the chorus: "But tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights are faded and that heaven is overrated? Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star? One without a permanent scar? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?" It really hits home now that I'm... well... not at home. Part of the whole point of college is to really find yourself and your place in the world (or so I'm told), and more than ever, I find myself asking and being asked, "Do you miss me?" The answer, with very few exceptions, is YES. Sure, I'll be okay here, and I'll have fun, but a large piece of my heart is still in San Jose with my friends and loved ones. Drops of Jupiter is now capable of making me cry, and not many songs can do that. It's becoming the song to listen to when I'm missing home.

I don't know that I've mentioned this before, but the songs on the radio for pretty much our entire pilgrimage to Tempe were ALL about leaving. It was depressing. However, the other song that's stuck in my head right now is If You Ever Come Back by The Script. It's that nice, sweet reminder that when you leave someone you love, you ARE missed, and that if they really love you, they'll welcome you with open arms upon your return. "I'll leave the door unlatched if you ever come back, if you ever come back; There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat if you ever come back; There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on, and it will be just like you were never gone..." (And THAT'S where I break down.) That concept of unconditional love and forgiveness just amazes me every time I hear the song, even though I know I'll probably be met with a similar reaction when I come home.

Somewhere in high school, our images and our self-images become very, very different than what they used to be when we were kids. And now that I'm off to college, I'm realizing that some of the things that used to describe me might very well be used again if I want them to. One of the most amazing people I know said this to me recently (verbatim): "Think about this question: Who are you? Not name. Not physical appearance. Who and What are you? Now, is that who you want to be?" [Ladies and gentlemen, proof that there are still some pretty spectacular high schoolers out there.] I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be when I grew up, but now that I'm almost there and have been exposed to so many different opinions and judgments, I don't have that quick and easy answer anymore. So this year for me will hopefully be not about discovering myself - I've already done that - but about rediscovering myself and deciding what kind of person I really want to be in my life. It'll be an interesting journey, and I hope that when I get things figured out, you'll all still be here waiting for me to come home.
Love you all,
Megan

Ready or Not: Time to Leave

Well, I'm gone.

I'm not even sure how I should be reacting. I'm spending the night at my grandparents' house, so that doesn't seem so weird, but tomorrow things are going to start to get crazy. Where did my summer go? [Yes, I spent a significant part of it in Europe, but still.] How didn't I get to spend time with all of my friends? Why, oh why, does Tempe, AZ have to be so far away from home?

Yeah, yeah, it was my choice to go to school in Arizona, but I wasn't counting on missing my friends this badly (when I'm not even there yet). I miss my brother, I miss the most important guy in my life, I miss my band family, I miss my biological family. It's a little insane already, and I have yet to do anything like move in.

In addition, while I'm excited about seeing my handful of new friends, I'm a little nervous about meeting a bunch of new people. While I'd be perfectly content to crawl under my academic rock until the middle of May, I have a sinking feeling that my new friends will be dragging me out to socialize.

Should I stick out my neck, or retreat into my dorm and hide? Thoughts?

Love you all,

Megan

Last Chance: Hugs, Thank-Yous, and Saying Goodbye

I may have mentioned this before, but moving away kind of sucks.

Nobody realizes it until it's already upon them, but it means packing up everything you'll need at your new location, giving up the four walls of your bedroom (think of all the memories in that room alone), and finding some way to say goodbye to all the people who ever meant something to you. It's hard. [And when you have three quarters of a marching band who're rather fond of you, it can get REALLY interesting.] Granted, once you've marched with someone, you share a pretty strong bond, but geography doesn't change to suit the needs of the people you knew in high school. Yes, I'm going to miss my trumpet brethren, and yes, I'll miss all my band friends, but it's not like there's an option where I get to go to college in Arizona while being in California every day to ask them how their day went. And while not being there for them is as hard for me as it is for them, I have so much other stuff on my plate that to them it might seem like I'm being distant. I'm not. I'm just juggling packing, finding all the music stuff I really can't live without, studying for theory placement, practicing for my piano and trumpet placements, cleaning (out) my room, trying to spend time with my parents and brother, and preserving the shreds of sanity a select few claim I actually retain.

On the flip side, thanks to social networking, I've found that I'm communicating a lot more with both my friends from out of state (quickly rising through the ranks of close friends is a trombone player from the Midwest) and the handful of new friends I'll be joining at ASU. I'm not sure if I need company because all my high school friends have started school or I'm just missing them, but it's nice to be able to reconnect (or connect for the first time).

I leave town tomorrow, and yesterday I had both my last composition lesson and my last trumpet lesson. Both my instructors are great guys, and it makes me sad that I'm closing the door on this chapter of both my life and my musicianship. Sure, I'm excited about getting better at my craft in college, but my private instructors made a huge difference in my life, and I'm proud to have had the privilege of being their student.

As for today... Plans are tentative at best. I might get lunch with a good friend, and I'm hoping to swing by my high school after they get out so I can give some final hugs and well-wishes. I'm not going to see these guys again until October, so I have a feeling there might be LOTS of hugging. And yes, I'll probably drop in on a few of my favorite teachers.

I'm going to quote Castle again, because in all the goodbyes and the commotion, I've been trying to keep in mind that no matter what happens around me, I need to stay focused on achieving what I want from life.

"Ten years I've been keeping them company, while they spend a night or two here on their way to where we're all going. They all had plans - things they were going to do when they got around to it. Go on a cruise, lose ten pounds, fall in love... They thought they had all the time in the world, but nobody does."

Yes, it was a conversation in a morgue, but the point is pretty clear: life is short. Don't waste your time wondering about what could have been or what another person might be thinking. Act on your beliefs and don't let obstacles slow you down. When something goes wrong, heal and move on. Hopefully that can be my college mantra... We'll have to wait and see.
Love you all,
Megan

Friends: Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Live Without 'Em

I love my friends. I really do. They're great, thoughtful, talented, understanding people. They each have their gifts and detriments, but for whatever reason they put up with me and I put up with them. They're the people I turn to when things come crashing down and when I'm not sure how to proceed. They're always happy to give me advice.

That's where I often go wrong.

When I was little, I was pretty independent in regard to my friends. I was always the one who broke free from the molds, who had the ideas to play new games or try new things, who didn't really care what everyone else thought. Well, part of teenagehood (teenagedom? teenagism?) is that nagging feeling in the back of your brain that always says "somebody important to you isn't going to agree with that decision." I've screwed up pretty badly a few times in the past, distant and recent, because I asked for advice but forgot to take it with a grain of salt. The problem usually lies somewhere around the fact that most of my friends know each other. Now, that can be helpful when trying to gauge reactions and things like that, but it also means that if I'm asking about what to do about an issue with another friend, any advice I get will most likely be influenced by the advice-giver's opinion of that person and the situation. I've learned who I can ask advice from and expect a relatively unbiased answer (because everyone knows those people who they wouldn't trust to give advice if lives depended on it), but even sometimes THAT advice turns out to be a little misguided. [The only truly unbiased source of advice is a friend of mine in the Midwest, but thanks to the time difference, staying in touch can be tricky.]

How much of our day to day lives is governed and decided by the opinions of the people around us?

Here's the thing that's rapidly becoming clear to me: it's important to always rely on what your instinct tells you when there's a lot at stake in a relationship of any kind. Whether it be a sibling, friend, significant other, or someone else entirely, you alone know the situation and you alone are capable of deciding what's best in each case. [Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.]

What brought this on, you ask? A simple fact: I'm about to start college, and as my friends and I prepare to go our separate ways, more squabbles have been popping up. It doesn't matter if they're already in college, going to college, or still in high school - every relationship is a two-way street, and when one end leaves for college (or begins any new chapter in life), it affects the whole thing.

This has proven to be particularly hard with my younger friends, since a lot of them are clamoring for me to keep in touch often and I just don't think I'll have the time for very much socializing outside of the college friends I will no doubt make. I'm resigning myself to putting all my work first, then the immediate needs of the people surrounding me, THEN the needs of the people six hundred miles away (family excepted). When I go home, my friends there will get most of the attention. It's not exactly a fair trade, but I know I have to put my schoolwork first, and the people I'm in college with could be really important in my future.

Amidst all this puzzling and trying to figure out how to find some balance, I'm reminded of a quote from Castle, one of my favorite TV shows. In one episode, when a federal agent is asked how she deals with being away from home for months on end, she simply says, "You miss a couple birthdays and make a lot of phone calls." And for now, that's what I'm going to have to do. Miss some celebrations, try to stay in touch, and do everything in my power to make up for lost time when I can.
Love you all,
Megan

Somewhere Over the Rainbow: Packing for College and Band Camp Withdrawal

I never thought I'd say it, but I miss band camp. Not the ridiculous amounts of astroturf I find in my shoes or the awkward sunburn lines, but the sense of community that comes from being in a marching band. You know you've got it bad when you and a friend willingly go watch brass and full band rehearsal because you miss all your brass buddies and the family atmosphere (complete with dysfunctionality) that comes with them. [Seeing my boyfriend was a plus, too, but when one of us is in rehearsal it's really more of a gaze-wistfully-from-afar thing]. On the upside, I've reconnected with some of my older friends, since ninety-five percent of my younger friends are busy turning into mean, lean marching machines from nine to eight every day. I'm (mostly) coping by visiting when I can and listening to LOTS of drum corps music.

I'm used to marching band withdrawal, but this is different. For the first time in four years, I can (and did) cut my hair short during the summer. Of course, I also may never end up marching again. I'd really like to, and if I can, I'd love to march Blue Devils or Carolina Crown, but we'll see how that works out with school and everything else. It's a strange feeling to be looking at the band and not worrying about whether or not somebody is going to mess up. I'm not used to being without some sort of responsibility that has to do with marching band, even if that responsibility is only for myself. I keep expecting my high school's brass instructor to turn around and tell me to get back into the setup, although I have to admit it's nice to be able to cheer everyone on from someplace that I can yell and scream (namely, the audience). Everyone sounds great, and I can't wait to come see them perform in October, but part of me really misses being out there with them. (And I'm really jealous of the awesome new uniforms they get to wear.)

When I'm not out with the band kids, I'm (supposed to be) packing for college. As a music major, my list of stuff to bring is a little different from everyone else's. The average college student doesn't bring a trumpet, a flugelhorn and a synthesizer with them (as far as I'm aware). They don't bring Stravinsky and Holst scores. They don't bring a tub and dish soap for the sole purpose of cleaning their trumpets. Still, I'm bringing all of that stuff, because most of it I won't actually survive school without.

As for the next few days, I only hope I can enjoy them as much as possible (and maybe see my boyfriend outside of band - once). I may end up somewhere bizarre like the aquarium one of these days. Who knows?
Love you all,
Megan