I love my friends. I really do. They're great, thoughtful, talented, understanding people. They each have their gifts and detriments, but for whatever reason they put up with me and I put up with them. They're the people I turn to when things come crashing down and when I'm not sure how to proceed. They're always happy to give me advice.
That's where I often go wrong.
When I was little, I was pretty independent in regard to my friends. I was always the one who broke free from the molds, who had the ideas to play new games or try new things, who didn't really care what everyone else thought. Well, part of teenagehood (teenagedom? teenagism?) is that nagging feeling in the back of your brain that always says "somebody important to you isn't going to agree with that decision." I've screwed up pretty badly a few times in the past, distant and recent, because I asked for advice but forgot to take it with a grain of salt. The problem usually lies somewhere around the fact that most of my friends know each other. Now, that can be helpful when trying to gauge reactions and things like that, but it also means that if I'm asking about what to do about an issue with another friend, any advice I get will most likely be influenced by the advice-giver's opinion of that person and the situation. I've learned who I can ask advice from and expect a relatively unbiased answer (because everyone knows those people who they wouldn't trust to give advice if lives depended on it), but even sometimes THAT advice turns out to be a little misguided. [The only truly unbiased source of advice is a friend of mine in the Midwest, but thanks to the time difference, staying in touch can be tricky.]
How much of our day to day lives is governed and decided by the opinions of the people around us?
Here's the thing that's rapidly becoming clear to me: it's important to always rely on what your instinct tells you when there's a lot at stake in a relationship of any kind. Whether it be a sibling, friend, significant other, or someone else entirely, you alone know the situation and you alone are capable of deciding what's best in each case. [Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.]
What brought this on, you ask? A simple fact: I'm about to start college, and as my friends and I prepare to go our separate ways, more squabbles have been popping up. It doesn't matter if they're already in college, going to college, or still in high school - every relationship is a two-way street, and when one end leaves for college (or begins any new chapter in life), it affects the whole thing.
This has proven to be particularly hard with my younger friends, since a lot of them are clamoring for me to keep in touch often and I just don't think I'll have the time for very much socializing outside of the college friends I will no doubt make. I'm resigning myself to putting all my work first, then the immediate needs of the people surrounding me, THEN the needs of the people six hundred miles away (family excepted). When I go home, my friends there will get most of the attention. It's not exactly a fair trade, but I know I have to put my schoolwork first, and the people I'm in college with could be really important in my future.
Amidst all this puzzling and trying to figure out how to find some balance, I'm reminded of a quote from Castle, one of my favorite TV shows. In one episode, when a federal agent is asked how she deals with being away from home for months on end, she simply says, "You miss a couple birthdays and make a lot of phone calls." And for now, that's what I'm going to have to do. Miss some celebrations, try to stay in touch, and do everything in my power to make up for lost time when I can.
Love you all,
Megan
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