It's been a bizarre week.
There have been plenty of ups and downs; I've struggled to come to terms with some of the new realities of my life. The first and most important of those seems to be the fact that unlike many of the other students here, I can't just go home whenever I feel like it. A lot of people here are from the area, and in half an hour or forty minutes they can get from here to their houses. It would take me forty minutes to an hour just to get to the airport. More than before, I find myself missing home, wanting to be a big part of my friends' lives like I have been in the past. I'm not sure I'm dealing with that as well as I should be - I have some friends here, but not a ton, and more and more I find myself reaching out to the people I love at home only to find that they're busy with homework or the equivalent. I look at friendship bracelets and pictures and wonder if things will ever be the same again. When a lot of my older friends went off to college, I just stopped seeing them (even the ones that stayed in the immediate area). I want to still be a part of my friends' lives, but when you're 713-715 miles from the people you love most, you can't just show up to their football games (even if I had a car, I have a feeling Google Maps' estimate that it would take me 10 hours and 15 minutes to get there is more than slightly optimistic).
As with any new beginning, I'm finding that making friends isn't the easiest task in the world, and while I have a handful of good friends, more often than not I find myself alone in my dorm. Unlike a lot of the people I know, I'm not in college to party, nor am I even remotely interested in that kind of thing. My priorities lie in getting my degree, (hopefully) getting a job, and starting a career. I'm always putting my schoolwork first, and a lot of the time I just think that I'm the only one who does that. As much as I'd like to have really awesome friends like the ones I made in high school, right now I just have to focus on getting my work done and figuring out if music is really what I want to do with my life.
Me, having second thoughts? Really? Honestly, yes. After a few weeks of thinking about it, I'm more scared about making a career out of music than I've ever been in my life. Maybe too many people have told me I can't do it. Maybe I feel like I need to be doing something else, anything else - something that could guarantee me a steady stream of income. Maybe now that I have so much freedom in life, I realize that there are so many options I haven't even thought about. Maybe I've been so well taught by my high school English teachers to question everything that I'm now questioning my own decisions. [Actually, I know I'm doing that.] But at the same time, all the other things I'm interested in - writing, teaching - would come with their own set of restrictions and uncertainties. No matter what caused this mini-crisis, for whatever reason I find myself questioning my own abilities and wondering if I'm really up to the challenge - the lifestyle - that a career in music involves.
I always find myself envious of the people who can just get their bachelor's and go straight into a career - somehow, I have the sneaking suspicion my path will never be that easy. I guess it's true what everyone says about college - when it's time to make the choice of what you want to do for the rest of your life, you realize pretty quickly that you have absolutely no idea. Where do I go from here?
Love you all,
Megan
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