She: Just Enough of a Girl that I'm Not One of the Guys

I don't know if any of the other ladies out there feel like they get jolted back to the reality of their gender from time to time, but if you do, you're definitely not alone.

A series of events in the past several days has managed to emphasize to me how much of an awkward position I'm in as a girl who primarily hangs out with guys. Trumpet studios pretty much anywhere in the country are going to be fairly male-dominant (and in some cases, that's putting it mildly); composition studios, while increasingly female-inclusive, still count as part of a man's world... And while I love my friends dearly, they (the new ones AND the old ones) occasionally need to step back and decide to treat me one way or the other.

It apparently doesn't matter if I'm in Tempe or San Jose - from time to time I hear things from my guyfriends (usually involving the word "no" or "whatever") that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be told if I too were male. Some of these things are merely said to keep everyone comfortable, and I can respect that; however, some seem to have no relevance other than emphasizing how utterly female I am.

This tends to pose a problem when I'm trying to hang out with people. To most of my friends, I can usually pass as "one of the guys" - unless I can't. And while I understand and respect their need for "guy time" that's really just with the guys, this neither-fish-nor-fowl status makes for an unclear, if not downright impossible, definition of friendship.

That's all great, but where's the relevance? Let's put it this way - when you get snubbed by two different friends in one night, you start thinking about the kind of friendship you're in. Guys who are friends of mine, don't give up, and don't let this bring you down - just treat me like ME, not as "that one girl" or "one of the guys."

Love you all,

Megan

I Don't Wanna Be: Orientation, Concerts, and Starting School

Hey, everybody!

Sorry I haven't found time to write - I've been a little busy during the past few days. Orientation has been a really frantic time, with everyone here rushing from one thing to another. I've had billions of fliers thrust in my general direction (though after my Europe vacation, I'm automatically wary of anything anybody tries to put in my hands). As I write this, I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to at least two types of music (country and dubstep - they don't mix well) drifting through my open door. People are talking, I'm taking a break from practicing, and soon I'll have dinner with some new friends. (As I'd expected, all the close friends I've made so far are guys.)

Orientation... As annoying as some of the activities were, there were a few I really enjoyed. My favorite by far was the Andy Grammer/Gavin DeGraw concert I got to go to for free, and Passport to ASU (where all the clubs and intramural teams recruit) was really cool too. I'm thinking about auditioning for an a cappella group, though I'm a little worried about what the three hours a week of rehearsal will do to my academic schedule. Auditions aren't until Monday night, so I have a feeling my mind will be made up Monday afternoon. I have two auditions tomorrow (ensemble placement and piano), so I'm a little jittery, but after all the auditions I've already been through, I'm not sure they actually make me nervous anymore.

As first days of school go, today was pretty nice. I only had two classes. Sure, one starts at 7:55, but that's better than the 7:20 start time I had last year. I'm really excited for what the year will bring - my theory teacher is AWESOME and my honors English teacher seems really down to earth.

Kids at ST will be interested to know that as part of our floor bonding activities, our CA's (our floor leaders - they're upperclassmen) started a game of Assassin. (No weird weapons, just tap them on the shoulder, but the premise is the same.) I find myself remembering the days when that game was still thriving at ST when someone pops out into our hall, taps someone, and proclaims, "You're dead!" Ahhh, the memories.

My floor is really cool - overall I really like the people. [When my door's open like this, no one actually comes to talk to me, but hey, you win some, you lose some.] My close friends are engineering majors (mechanical for now), which will be spectacular when I start needing help with my two required science courses. In the meantime, I'm just focusing on building strong, lasting friendships and getting good grades. Yes, some of you will probably bug me about my social life, but I'm not concerned with partying or going out on the town - academics have to come first, and right now there are people in my life I'd rather Skype from six hundred miles away instead of going to a party full of strangers.

All in all, things are going pretty well. The homesickness is much better than it was a few days ago, and I thank all my friends and family who've been FaceTiming me for hours and sending me texts, emails and letters so I know what's going on.
Love you all,
Megan

Drops of Jupiter/If You Ever Come Back: Discovering or Rediscovering Yourself?

I'm safely in Tempe. Thanks to everybody who checked in with me along the way or wished me well. Now that I'm here, I'm desperate to get all of my crap out of the car (but move-in isn't until tomorrow morning), and I'm going into serious friend withdrawal. (This is a clue for all you friends of mine who're reading this to say hi sometime! I'd love to hear from you.) Yes, I've made a handful of friends here, but I haven't gotten to see any of them yet, and they'll never be able to replace all the amazing people I met in high school.

When we were driving around town tonight, Drops of Jupiter came on the radio. I'm a fan of Train, and that song in particular has a special place in my heart, though I've never exactly known why. Maybe it's the chorus: "But tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights are faded and that heaven is overrated? Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star? One without a permanent scar? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?" It really hits home now that I'm... well... not at home. Part of the whole point of college is to really find yourself and your place in the world (or so I'm told), and more than ever, I find myself asking and being asked, "Do you miss me?" The answer, with very few exceptions, is YES. Sure, I'll be okay here, and I'll have fun, but a large piece of my heart is still in San Jose with my friends and loved ones. Drops of Jupiter is now capable of making me cry, and not many songs can do that. It's becoming the song to listen to when I'm missing home.

I don't know that I've mentioned this before, but the songs on the radio for pretty much our entire pilgrimage to Tempe were ALL about leaving. It was depressing. However, the other song that's stuck in my head right now is If You Ever Come Back by The Script. It's that nice, sweet reminder that when you leave someone you love, you ARE missed, and that if they really love you, they'll welcome you with open arms upon your return. "I'll leave the door unlatched if you ever come back, if you ever come back; There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat if you ever come back; There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on, and it will be just like you were never gone..." (And THAT'S where I break down.) That concept of unconditional love and forgiveness just amazes me every time I hear the song, even though I know I'll probably be met with a similar reaction when I come home.

Somewhere in high school, our images and our self-images become very, very different than what they used to be when we were kids. And now that I'm off to college, I'm realizing that some of the things that used to describe me might very well be used again if I want them to. One of the most amazing people I know said this to me recently (verbatim): "Think about this question: Who are you? Not name. Not physical appearance. Who and What are you? Now, is that who you want to be?" [Ladies and gentlemen, proof that there are still some pretty spectacular high schoolers out there.] I used to be so sure of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be when I grew up, but now that I'm almost there and have been exposed to so many different opinions and judgments, I don't have that quick and easy answer anymore. So this year for me will hopefully be not about discovering myself - I've already done that - but about rediscovering myself and deciding what kind of person I really want to be in my life. It'll be an interesting journey, and I hope that when I get things figured out, you'll all still be here waiting for me to come home.
Love you all,
Megan

Ready or Not: Time to Leave

Well, I'm gone.

I'm not even sure how I should be reacting. I'm spending the night at my grandparents' house, so that doesn't seem so weird, but tomorrow things are going to start to get crazy. Where did my summer go? [Yes, I spent a significant part of it in Europe, but still.] How didn't I get to spend time with all of my friends? Why, oh why, does Tempe, AZ have to be so far away from home?

Yeah, yeah, it was my choice to go to school in Arizona, but I wasn't counting on missing my friends this badly (when I'm not even there yet). I miss my brother, I miss the most important guy in my life, I miss my band family, I miss my biological family. It's a little insane already, and I have yet to do anything like move in.

In addition, while I'm excited about seeing my handful of new friends, I'm a little nervous about meeting a bunch of new people. While I'd be perfectly content to crawl under my academic rock until the middle of May, I have a sinking feeling that my new friends will be dragging me out to socialize.

Should I stick out my neck, or retreat into my dorm and hide? Thoughts?

Love you all,

Megan

Last Chance: Hugs, Thank-Yous, and Saying Goodbye

I may have mentioned this before, but moving away kind of sucks.

Nobody realizes it until it's already upon them, but it means packing up everything you'll need at your new location, giving up the four walls of your bedroom (think of all the memories in that room alone), and finding some way to say goodbye to all the people who ever meant something to you. It's hard. [And when you have three quarters of a marching band who're rather fond of you, it can get REALLY interesting.] Granted, once you've marched with someone, you share a pretty strong bond, but geography doesn't change to suit the needs of the people you knew in high school. Yes, I'm going to miss my trumpet brethren, and yes, I'll miss all my band friends, but it's not like there's an option where I get to go to college in Arizona while being in California every day to ask them how their day went. And while not being there for them is as hard for me as it is for them, I have so much other stuff on my plate that to them it might seem like I'm being distant. I'm not. I'm just juggling packing, finding all the music stuff I really can't live without, studying for theory placement, practicing for my piano and trumpet placements, cleaning (out) my room, trying to spend time with my parents and brother, and preserving the shreds of sanity a select few claim I actually retain.

On the flip side, thanks to social networking, I've found that I'm communicating a lot more with both my friends from out of state (quickly rising through the ranks of close friends is a trombone player from the Midwest) and the handful of new friends I'll be joining at ASU. I'm not sure if I need company because all my high school friends have started school or I'm just missing them, but it's nice to be able to reconnect (or connect for the first time).

I leave town tomorrow, and yesterday I had both my last composition lesson and my last trumpet lesson. Both my instructors are great guys, and it makes me sad that I'm closing the door on this chapter of both my life and my musicianship. Sure, I'm excited about getting better at my craft in college, but my private instructors made a huge difference in my life, and I'm proud to have had the privilege of being their student.

As for today... Plans are tentative at best. I might get lunch with a good friend, and I'm hoping to swing by my high school after they get out so I can give some final hugs and well-wishes. I'm not going to see these guys again until October, so I have a feeling there might be LOTS of hugging. And yes, I'll probably drop in on a few of my favorite teachers.

I'm going to quote Castle again, because in all the goodbyes and the commotion, I've been trying to keep in mind that no matter what happens around me, I need to stay focused on achieving what I want from life.

"Ten years I've been keeping them company, while they spend a night or two here on their way to where we're all going. They all had plans - things they were going to do when they got around to it. Go on a cruise, lose ten pounds, fall in love... They thought they had all the time in the world, but nobody does."

Yes, it was a conversation in a morgue, but the point is pretty clear: life is short. Don't waste your time wondering about what could have been or what another person might be thinking. Act on your beliefs and don't let obstacles slow you down. When something goes wrong, heal and move on. Hopefully that can be my college mantra... We'll have to wait and see.
Love you all,
Megan

Friends: Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Live Without 'Em

I love my friends. I really do. They're great, thoughtful, talented, understanding people. They each have their gifts and detriments, but for whatever reason they put up with me and I put up with them. They're the people I turn to when things come crashing down and when I'm not sure how to proceed. They're always happy to give me advice.

That's where I often go wrong.

When I was little, I was pretty independent in regard to my friends. I was always the one who broke free from the molds, who had the ideas to play new games or try new things, who didn't really care what everyone else thought. Well, part of teenagehood (teenagedom? teenagism?) is that nagging feeling in the back of your brain that always says "somebody important to you isn't going to agree with that decision." I've screwed up pretty badly a few times in the past, distant and recent, because I asked for advice but forgot to take it with a grain of salt. The problem usually lies somewhere around the fact that most of my friends know each other. Now, that can be helpful when trying to gauge reactions and things like that, but it also means that if I'm asking about what to do about an issue with another friend, any advice I get will most likely be influenced by the advice-giver's opinion of that person and the situation. I've learned who I can ask advice from and expect a relatively unbiased answer (because everyone knows those people who they wouldn't trust to give advice if lives depended on it), but even sometimes THAT advice turns out to be a little misguided. [The only truly unbiased source of advice is a friend of mine in the Midwest, but thanks to the time difference, staying in touch can be tricky.]

How much of our day to day lives is governed and decided by the opinions of the people around us?

Here's the thing that's rapidly becoming clear to me: it's important to always rely on what your instinct tells you when there's a lot at stake in a relationship of any kind. Whether it be a sibling, friend, significant other, or someone else entirely, you alone know the situation and you alone are capable of deciding what's best in each case. [Too bad I didn't figure that out earlier.]

What brought this on, you ask? A simple fact: I'm about to start college, and as my friends and I prepare to go our separate ways, more squabbles have been popping up. It doesn't matter if they're already in college, going to college, or still in high school - every relationship is a two-way street, and when one end leaves for college (or begins any new chapter in life), it affects the whole thing.

This has proven to be particularly hard with my younger friends, since a lot of them are clamoring for me to keep in touch often and I just don't think I'll have the time for very much socializing outside of the college friends I will no doubt make. I'm resigning myself to putting all my work first, then the immediate needs of the people surrounding me, THEN the needs of the people six hundred miles away (family excepted). When I go home, my friends there will get most of the attention. It's not exactly a fair trade, but I know I have to put my schoolwork first, and the people I'm in college with could be really important in my future.

Amidst all this puzzling and trying to figure out how to find some balance, I'm reminded of a quote from Castle, one of my favorite TV shows. In one episode, when a federal agent is asked how she deals with being away from home for months on end, she simply says, "You miss a couple birthdays and make a lot of phone calls." And for now, that's what I'm going to have to do. Miss some celebrations, try to stay in touch, and do everything in my power to make up for lost time when I can.
Love you all,
Megan

Somewhere Over the Rainbow: Packing for College and Band Camp Withdrawal

I never thought I'd say it, but I miss band camp. Not the ridiculous amounts of astroturf I find in my shoes or the awkward sunburn lines, but the sense of community that comes from being in a marching band. You know you've got it bad when you and a friend willingly go watch brass and full band rehearsal because you miss all your brass buddies and the family atmosphere (complete with dysfunctionality) that comes with them. [Seeing my boyfriend was a plus, too, but when one of us is in rehearsal it's really more of a gaze-wistfully-from-afar thing]. On the upside, I've reconnected with some of my older friends, since ninety-five percent of my younger friends are busy turning into mean, lean marching machines from nine to eight every day. I'm (mostly) coping by visiting when I can and listening to LOTS of drum corps music.

I'm used to marching band withdrawal, but this is different. For the first time in four years, I can (and did) cut my hair short during the summer. Of course, I also may never end up marching again. I'd really like to, and if I can, I'd love to march Blue Devils or Carolina Crown, but we'll see how that works out with school and everything else. It's a strange feeling to be looking at the band and not worrying about whether or not somebody is going to mess up. I'm not used to being without some sort of responsibility that has to do with marching band, even if that responsibility is only for myself. I keep expecting my high school's brass instructor to turn around and tell me to get back into the setup, although I have to admit it's nice to be able to cheer everyone on from someplace that I can yell and scream (namely, the audience). Everyone sounds great, and I can't wait to come see them perform in October, but part of me really misses being out there with them. (And I'm really jealous of the awesome new uniforms they get to wear.)

When I'm not out with the band kids, I'm (supposed to be) packing for college. As a music major, my list of stuff to bring is a little different from everyone else's. The average college student doesn't bring a trumpet, a flugelhorn and a synthesizer with them (as far as I'm aware). They don't bring Stravinsky and Holst scores. They don't bring a tub and dish soap for the sole purpose of cleaning their trumpets. Still, I'm bringing all of that stuff, because most of it I won't actually survive school without.

As for the next few days, I only hope I can enjoy them as much as possible (and maybe see my boyfriend outside of band - once). I may end up somewhere bizarre like the aquarium one of these days. Who knows?
Love you all,
Megan

No Average Angel: Why I Really Hate Being Female

Well, now that all the excitement of my trip to Europe has had a chance to die down, it's back to posting about everyday stuff - real life on the California coast.

Every once in awhile I'll be somewhere perfectly ordinary - someplace I've been to countless times before - and something I'd never noticed before will hit me. (Sometimes literally, sometimes metaphorically.) These things usually make me rethink my position on life and my perspective on whatever issue it brings up. However, the string of events that I'm referring to in this post didn't make me change this particular opinion, it just strengthened it.

There are many days in my life where I hate being a girl. Sure, there's PMS and makeup and the whole image thing, and those all suck, but that's not really what I'm getting at here. Those are the things that I can be hating my gender for before I get out of bed in the morning. The things that tend to hurt me the most as a female, however, are the ones I see happening around me long after I stop hitting snooze.

Girls and women have distinct roles in today's society. Sure, we have a lot more freedom than we used to, and there are various realms of the social stratosphere that are far worse off than we are, but we definitely still have to fight for every little thing we've wanted to gain. I mean, most people don't think about this, but a hundred years ago, the majority of American males didn't have to worry about whether or not they'd be allowed to vote in the next election, whereas all females, regardless of race or social standing, knew they wouldn't get the opportunity. Things like this remind me that as a female, I really shouldn't take anything for granted - not even my ability to follow my dreams.

Being a female musician, I feel the pressure from a lot of men on a regular basis, and as a female brass player and composer, it's worse than it would be if I played a woodwind instrument. [Not hating on the woodwinds here; they just usually include more females.] It drives me crazy when somebody tells me I'm breaking all the stereotypes because of what I do or what I play. Sure, I appreciate what they're trying to say, but even using the word "stereotype" when you're trying to convey that point will only perpetuate said expectation, not break it. When someone comes up to me and says something like, "You're a girl trumpet? Cool!" or "What's it like working with so many guys?" or "Nice playing, Megan," I'm far less likely to be offended. It's a way of acknowledging that what I do isn't the social expectation while avoiding looking like someone who believes that the stereotypes are true and adhered to.

Where is this all coming from, you might ask? Well, it has nothing to do with music. That's just the example I like to use to explain my view to people. One of those things that hardly anyone knows about me is that I want to be capable of protecting myself. I want to be able to fight, to shoot a gun, and in recent years I've developed an interest in archery, though I haven't gotten around to taking lessons yet. The thing is, nobody expects me to be that kind of person, which is why I try not to tell a ton of people. The shooting a gun thing got me a little riled up recently - specifically, how people treat the subject with me versus with my brother.

Before I tell the story, I'll say this: my brother is one of my best friends. He and I have a very strong sibling relationship and he's my go-to guy for a lot of things. In situations like the one I'm about to describe, we usually stick up for each other and we don't fight about how lucky the other one is for having gotten to do something. So this isn't a rant about how my brother gets everything.

Not too long ago, my brother got to see some firearms belonging to someone close to both of us. He didn't ask to see them, and had I been made aware of the fact that there were even firearms to see, I would've been begging to see them. But nobody asked if I wanted to see them, or even know they existed, and finding out secondhand hurt. It drives me crazy that people can assume I'm not interested in guns "because I have boobs," as my mother so aptly put it earlier today. I've watched Top Shot as much as the rest of my family, and watching women who are capable with weaponry is pretty inspirational. [Because really, ladies, who doesn't want to know how to use a grenade launcher?] If you're going to defy the status quo, that's a pretty significant way to do it, since females only got permission to serve on the front lines in the US military a few months ago. But even without taking the status quo into consideration, I like the concept of being a marksman. Not of using guns on people, but of being capable and well-informed and able to defend yourself if forced into dire straits. Annie Oakley was always one of those women I loved reading about as a kid, yet a considerable portion of society seems to think that I shouldn't want marksmanship to be part of my life. All because I'm a woman? Really?

In short: I may not be crazy about spending time in a museum devoted entirely to guns, but I definitely want to know how to use one. What I don't know can hurt me, and I'd really like to avoid the extra pain. I'm a woman, but I'm an individual first and foremost. I want to be able to pursue my own passions on my own schedule. And I'm not going to let the opinions of the masses stop me.
Love you all,
Megan